FUCK THE LONGHORNS!!!

Ya that’s right, I said it. If you don’t live in Texas, you might not know what I’m talking about. Nine months ago, I wouldn’t have known what I was talking about either. For those in the dark, the Longhorns are the University of Texas football team. Now personally, I think football is kind of gay. And I don’t mean gay as in “lame;” I mean gay as in men having sex with other men GAY. Seriously… let’s think about this -- Super buff dudes, running up and down a field, grabbing and jumping on top of 20 other dudes, all while wearing lustrous satin-shiny spandex capri pants. The only thing I like about football, is the hilarious irony that the majority of hardcore “I paint my face with team colors EVERY game even if I’m at home” fans, are also, CRAZY hardcore homophobes!

But whatever… I don’t give a fuck what your hobby is. If you get your rocks off screaming at the TV because your spandex clad behemoths dropped the ball, good for you. My problem exists specifically with team colors flooding an entire city. You can’t go ANYWHERE in Austin without seeing a Longhorns banner, someone wearing a Longhorns shirt/hat/pants/shoes/butt plug, etc…  It’s fucking EVERYWHERE! And to tell you the truth, it wouldn’t be a big deal if the Longhorn colors were something nice, like green, or blue, or even red… But no, the Longhorns colors are a lovely shade of burnt diarrhea brown-orange and white. I’m actually not really sure if white is one of the colors… I just assumed it was since it’s usually paired with the diarrhea orange, but the diarrhea orange could in fact be standing alone.

In protest, I really want to adorn my own Team Bridgette shirt, which will respectfully have one of the following phrases screen-printed across the “breastal” region: “Fuck Football,” “Fuck the Longhorns,” “Football is Gay,” or “Your sport is gay.” I know what you’re thinking…

“Bridgette, you are so creative! Did you go to art school?"

Yes, I DID go to art school!

Thanks for noticing. 

But seriously, while my shirt phrase selections would be a SUPER creative way to showcase my obviously epic artistic talent, actually wearing one of them… in public… would mostly likely result in me being raped and bludgeoned to death with a foam finger full of nickels, by a 300 pound, learning disabled superfan. For the record, that is NOT the way I want to go.

I know it’s probably shocking to my 3 readers that I haven’t been “bludgeoned” before. It’s shocking to me as well, especially considering the massive shit talking mouth I acquired over the years; sprouting first on the rough-and-tumble streets of upper-middle class suburbia.

But we’re getting off topic here… this isn’t about my sweet art skillzzz or the 80’s upbringing which has left me and my generation with a disillusioned sense of entitlement. No, this is about something much more important… something deep… something profound… and once I figured out what that something is, I will be able to end this blog post. 

ACTUAL INFORMATION: 

According to UT's website, the diarrhea "orange color was chosen by football coach Darrell Royal, who thought that it would help his players conceal the football when they ran the triple option." I don't know what "triple option" means, but I know it has something to do with fondling balls and running in capri pants... and really, that's all I NEED to know to satisfy the visual in my head. 

love you mean it.