FUCK THE LONGHORNS!!!

Ya that’s right, I said it. If you don’t live in Texas, you might not know what I’m talking about. Nine months ago, I wouldn’t have known what I was talking about either. For those in the dark, the Longhorns are the University of Texas football team. Now personally, I think football is kind of gay. And I don’t mean gay as in “lame;” I mean gay as in men having sex with other men GAY. Seriously… let’s think about this -- Super buff dudes, running up and down a field, grabbing and jumping on top of 20 other dudes, all while wearing lustrous satin-shiny spandex capri pants. The only thing I like about football, is the hilarious irony that the majority of hardcore “I paint my face with team colors EVERY game even if I’m at home” fans, are also, CRAZY hardcore homophobes!

But whatever… I don’t give a fuck what your hobby is. If you get your rocks off screaming at the TV because your spandex clad behemoths dropped the ball, good for you. My problem exists specifically with team colors flooding an entire city. You can’t go ANYWHERE in Austin without seeing a Longhorns banner, someone wearing a Longhorns shirt/hat/pants/shoes/butt plug, etc…  It’s fucking EVERYWHERE! And to tell you the truth, it wouldn’t be a big deal if the Longhorn colors were something nice, like green, or blue, or even red… But no, the Longhorns colors are a lovely shade of burnt diarrhea brown-orange and white. I’m actually not really sure if white is one of the colors… I just assumed it was since it’s usually paired with the diarrhea orange, but the diarrhea orange could in fact be standing alone.

In protest, I really want to adorn my own Team Bridgette shirt, which will respectfully have one of the following phrases screen-printed across the “breastal” region: “Fuck Football,” “Fuck the Longhorns,” “Football is Gay,” or “Your sport is gay.” I know what you’re thinking…

“Bridgette, you are so creative! Did you go to art school?"

Yes, I DID go to art school!

Thanks for noticing. 

But seriously, while my shirt phrase selections would be a SUPER creative way to showcase my obviously epic artistic talent, actually wearing one of them… in public… would mostly likely result in me being raped and bludgeoned to death with a foam finger full of nickels, by a 300 pound, learning disabled superfan. For the record, that is NOT the way I want to go.

I know it’s probably shocking to my 3 readers that I haven’t been “bludgeoned” before. It’s shocking to me as well, especially considering the massive shit talking mouth I acquired over the years; sprouting first on the rough-and-tumble streets of upper-middle class suburbia.

But we’re getting off topic here… this isn’t about my sweet art skillzzz or the 80’s upbringing which has left me and my generation with a disillusioned sense of entitlement. No, this is about something much more important… something deep… something profound… and once I figured out what that something is, I will be able to end this blog post. 

ACTUAL INFORMATION: 

According to UT's website, the diarrhea "orange color was chosen by football coach Darrell Royal, who thought that it would help his players conceal the football when they ran the triple option." I don't know what "triple option" means, but I know it has something to do with fondling balls and running in capri pants... and really, that's all I NEED to know to satisfy the visual in my head. 

love you mean it.

Oh Shiiiiiiit... Mr. West did it again...

DISCLAIMER: This was written by the 16-year old girl inside me who still sleeps in her "I heart the Backstreet Boys" t-shirt... I take no responsibility for her writing...

Don’t judge me, but I was pretty excited for the VMA’s this year. Mostly because my favorite whore, Chelsea Handler was hosting, and if anyone was going to say inappropriate things on live TV, it was going to be her. I was also secretly excited for Kanye West’s night capping performance, where all the celebrity gossip rumors (which I deny reading) had concluded, Kanye was going to perform a new song that he had written specifically for Taylor Swift, as an apology of sorts. The anticipation of what he could possibly “perform” that would not only be a sufficient apology, but done so, WITHOUT being obnoxious and insincere, was titillating. Mr. West isn’t exactly known for big apologies; so to say that I was pretty skeptical about the reality of this "I'm sorry" song, would be an understatement. 

Don’t get me wrong… I like Kanye West. He makes good music, and while his ego might be bigger than the entire western hemisphere, it’s usually positively directed in elaborate and entertaining live performances and/or tabloid antics. Sure, Kanye may be somewhat of a douche, but how many multi-millionaires do you know that aren’t, on occasion, "douchey?" Personally, I didn’t give two shits about the whole “Taylor Swift 2009 VMA acceptance award diss,” and I was kind of surprised that it ended up being such a ‘big deal.’ I mean, it wasn’t the smartest move he’d ever made, but it’s not like he bitch-slapped the girl and put her on a bus back to Oklahoma… er, Tennessee… er… whatever mid-western meth factory state she’s from. 

Honestly, if Taylor Swift was actually legit, she would have cock punched Kayne with her moon man, snatched the mic back, told him to go fuck himself, and then made some kind of: “I’m sending you a ‘black hiphop bitches’ first douching kit after the show. You’ll get it in 5-7 business days… Time for you to clean some of that ‘I’m a HUGE ASSHOLE’ stench off the area where your balls used to be,” anger induced joke. But alas… Taylor Swift would have NEVER done something like that… Engineers at the “Build-a-Pop-star factory,” made the Taylor-bot much too timid and virginal to stand-up to the big black rapper. Plus, the record company that purchased Taylor-doll 2000, ordered a wholesome, non-confrontational robot. 

Anywayzzz… a few weeks ago, the VMA's arrived, and I was pleasantly surprised. Chelsea Handler did a good job making people uncomfortable, Lady Gaga did a good job of maintaining her status as most insane and misunderstood popstar of 2010, and Aziz Ansari hilariously tied my two favorite things together, "The Jersey Shore" and outspoken black men, as he introduced Kanye for the final performance of the evening… 

Ok... REAL TALK YO:

It wasn’t the greatest song ever, the performance wasn’t particularly thrilling, but the message... Oh the message was clear - KANYE IS A MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS! Maybe I’m easily impressed, or naïve to think his PR representation didn’t concoct the whole thing, but either way, my mind was blown. The last thing I thought Kanye would ever do, is call himself out. I mean, a few years ago, this guy was declaring himself the next Jesus!!! THE NEXT FUCKING JESUS!!! HELLO CRAZYTOWN?!?!? Not in a million years did I ever expect Mr. West to cough up a legit apology, and then perform a song about how we’ve “been putting up with his shit for way too long.” It was too much for my little brain to handle… I couldn’t believe Kayne had just performed a song shedding himself in a negative light! IT’S FUCKING GENIUS! Not only has he shown a thread of humility and gained even more fans in doing so, he’s also going to make millions of dollars from it! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

He's a marketing wetdream... 

 

I don’t know why this is so amazing to me… but it is motherfuckers! If you haven't seen it, WATCH BITCHES!

love you mean it.

Update: HELLO AGAIN FACEBOOK!!!

ya... you saw that coming... *shame*

love you mean it.