Let's talk about sex baby...

A few days ago, a friend of mine posted a blog entry about the different levels of a "woman's sexual performance," and suggested that I write one for the fellas. You can read his post HERE.

I've always wanted to write a "male performance review," but never had the motivation to do so. After talking with some girlfriends about their most recent exploits, I have come to the tragic realization, that most of their sexual experiences, have been less than stellar. Let's be honest, people in their 20's are fucking a lot. We're fucking a lot, with strangers, with lovers, and significant others.

With all this fucking going on, we should be able to talk about it, right?

(DISCLAIMER: This is all based on MY sexual experience, and the things I like/don't. EVERY girl is different, and while I'm attempting to generalize my overall opinion, the bottom line is, it's still, MY OPINION. All vaginas are their own, unique, Rubik's Cube of magic... just because you unlock the combination to one, DOES NOT mean you've unlocked the combination to all.)

FOREPLAY:

Hands down, probably the most important part of the sexual experience for the ladies. Vagina's are like vintage cars. You have to warm up the engine for a solid 15 minutes before you take them out for a spin. Sure, sometimes you're late for work and you just want to get nailed before you leave the house. During those circumstances, it is perfectly acceptable to skip over most foreplay, and get right to the down to the dirt dirty. BUT when you have the time, foreplay is the key to setting the mood, getting your girl off, and having a satisfying experience.

There are THREE rules/requirements which must be incorporated into all foreplay, in order for it to be successful, and ultimately lead to sexy-times:

1) BE A GOOD KISSER! - For the love of god, how motherfucking hard is it for you guys NOT to stick your entire tongue in our mouths? What makes you think licking our tonsils is sexy? Boys boys boys... it's all about the lips. Kiss softly, part them slowly, and use  your tongue SPARINGLY. When things get hot and heavy, that is not, I repeat NOT a signal for you to switch into your alter ego; Captain McTongue Plunger. My throat is not clogged, and I do not appreciate the esophagus examination. Kissing can be magic. AND there is a theory floating around the inner female circles, that men who are good kissers, are also good in bed. In my experience, this has been true 95% of the time. I'm just sayin'...

2) BE CONFIDENT! - I can't express fully enough, what a HUGE turn-off it is when guys are shy and tentative. If you want to kiss me, grab me and kiss me. Don't wait for me to make the first move. Do NOT timidly saunter around the room. If you want me, show me. I do not have time to waste reading mixed signals because you don't have the balls to make a move. This doesn't mean that you need to be an asshole, but you do need to BE A MAN.  There have been countless occasions where I've been into a guy, and they were so nervous and flustered when it came down to the "make-out session," I was immediately turned off. I know girls can be scary, I'm scary, but if you want to be with me, or ANY girl that has flare/sass/fantastic verbal discourse, you're going to have to man up, and be aggressive.

3) TEASE ME! - Seriously guys, like 70% of a girls excitement factor, falls into the teasing arena. ALL woman want what they can't have. So, if you pretend that you're not going to give it to us, WE'RE GOING TO WANT IT MORE. Building anticipation, heightens the intensity of the experience, and the greater the intensity, the greater the orgasm. I know they say, "if you can make a girl laugh, your can make her do anything," but I think it's much more accurate to say, "if you can make a girl cum, you can make her do anything." It's true. Believe it. If you don't believe it, you've probably never made a girl cum before, and that, in itself, is tragic...

The other stuff that comes with foreplay is all about feeling out the situation. When you're in the heat of the moment, it's okay to "feel around," and figure out what your girl likes. Don't think about it too much, because the more you're in your head, the less you're in the moment, and foreplay is all about, "being in the moment."  

ORAL SEX:

Okay. This is pretty cut and dry. You're either good at this, or you're not. Since a lot of girls can ONLY get-off from oral sex, it is really IMPORTANT that you're good at this, or at least working on being good at this.

The BEST "oral sex instructional guide" I've ever read, was in VICE magazine. I can't write anything better about it, so I'm not going to try. 

HOW TO PROPERLY PERFORM CUNNILINGUS

HOW TO PROPERLY PERFORM FELLATIO  

happy reading.

SEXY-TIME:

Congrats! You've made it to the point of penetration! Don't you feel special? I'm going to break things down into levels now; where do you think you fail... er... I mean... uh fall... where do you "fall?"

Level 1 - I'll be laughing with my friends about this later.

The foreplay was obviously decent enough to get you to this point, but something got lost in translation from the time we stopped kissing to when you put the condom on. This is the kind of sex that you can't help but laugh about later. It's usually a guy who doesn't know what the definition of rhythm is, and has somehow, all of a sudden, forgotten the three most important rules: 1) BE A GOOD KISSER! 2) BE CONFIDENT! 3) TEASE ME! ... Things get real awkward, real quick and the guy either, 1) starts jack hammering like a bunny on meth, or  2) loses any sense of motion and things just get... "choppy." 

BTW: JACK-HAMMERING IS NEVER OKAY. It's basically the equivalent of masturbating with a vagina... it does NOT feel good. I do NOT like it and I will NOT be seeing you again. Things usually turn so comical, I have, on occasion, retreated back into my mind and started making a check list of all the 'LOLZ' I will be regaling my friends with at brunch the next day. Tragically, many men qualify this experience as "good sex," and continue to call me for "dates." This blows my mind, and I don't know how to accurately get the message across, that you my friend, have officially been classified as: "the awkward sex guy I went home with last night." Congratulations, you FAIL.

Level 2 - So hot, but so stupid.

There is an intense attraction... You're super hot and I've been dreaming of licking things off your abs all night. Being such a stud creates an illusion of confidence and while you're definitely NOT "future-husband-material," you're still ridiculously attractive, and an awesome kisser to boot. At this point, everything's perfect and then, the guy talks. This guy is pretty dumb, but thus far, was hot enough to bypass most of my intellectual barriers. Unfortunately, upon realizing my stud horse might actually have an IQ equal to that of tanbark, I start to lose interest. The attraction is strong enough to keep the heat going, but knowing that I'm feeling things on an entirely different spectrum; makes the moment disconnected. Things feel a bit empty and ultimately meaningless. That's not to say meaningless sex can't, on occasion, be entertaining for your vagina, BUT, when you've had amazing, meaningFUL sex with someone else, the empty, anonymous sex loses its novelty real fast. There aren't too many tips I can offer here, other than: DON'T BE RETARDED.

Seriously, read a motherfucking book every once in a while bitch. And if you could please attempt to know something OTHER than assorted sports trivia, and UFC factoids, it would be much appreciated, k, thx.

Level 3 - You're pretty amazing.

The sex at this level, is what most of us search for and hopefully end up experiencing with the people we're really excited about fucking. This is the girl that makes you wash extra long in the shower before your sexy-time rendezvous. The whole experience is passionate, gratifying, and actually gets you thinking about a potential "relationship status change" on facebook. Ultimately, this person is someone you could fall in love with, and each time you fuck, the connection gets deeper... no pun intended. Your bodies move together completely in sync (aka - "NOT choppy") and when the post-coital moment is over, you still want to hang out with this chick, cause' she's pretty fucking cool. Congratulations, you've achieved something pretty spectacular... now don't fuck it up.

Level 4 - HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU,  MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING WITH ENDORPHINS.

This is what I like to call EPIC SEX. This is the kind of sex that leaves you weak in the knees hours after you've finished. This is the kind of sex that gets you hard just thinking about it. This is the kind of sex that happens ONLY when you're crazy in love with someone, and you both connect with each other in a way you've never connected with another human before. It's more than sex; it becomes a religious experience every time you touch. This is the kind of love that entire albums are dedicated to. This is the kind of connection that movies are made about. This is the sex that we all wish for, hope for, and long for in the deep dark reaches of our loins. If you're having sex like this, hold on tight, and don't fuck it up. If you DO manage to fuck it up, you might as well just kill yourself, because you're never going to get anything better than this... But you knew that already.

 So class, what have we learned today?

1) Be a good kisser. This is the key to everything. One kiss can make it or break it.

2) BE A MAN. Pussy-bitches need not apply... There is nothing that turns a woman off faster, then a guy who can't "throw down the gauntlet" in the bedroom.

3) Tease me... anticipation about fucking, is almost as exciting as the actual FUCKING.

4) Be good at eating vagina. If you're not good at, you better be working on it. If you're one of those guys who "doesn't go down on girls," you should probably just stay at home with your hand and a bottle of Jergens moisturizing lotion.

New words to live by ladies: If he doesn't go down on you, he doesn't get inside of you.

5) JACK-HAMMERING IS NEVER OKAY.  I am not your masturbatory aid, this is supposed to be a mutually gratifying experience. Learn how to use your dick BEFORE you go sticking it in living organisms.

6) The best sex happens when two people aren't just "attracted" to each other, but connected to each other as well. There's no simple way to do this, but just know, that when you do finally end up connecting, everything that comes in and out of that experience will be pretty fucking amazing. 

There are a lot of things I didn't cover here, so if you have something to add, feel free to chime in with your thoughts. I've enabled "anonymous" commenting, so you can bitch and moan about whatever part of this pissed you off, and I will have NO IDEA who you are... unless of course, you sign your name.

The bottom line is, every girl is different, and the only way to figure out EXACTLY what she wants/needs/feels. is to ask her. I know it can be "awkward," or "embarrassing" to talk about sex, but if you're not "too embarrassed" to be fucking, then you shouldn't be "too embarrassed" to ask questions. This is your body, this is your heart; this isn't the 1950's, it's OKAY to tell people what you want, and what you don't.

Honestly. if you can't talk about sex with your partner, then you probably shouldn't be having sex in the first place.

love you meant it.