Hey. I'm talking to you!

1. MEXICAN GUY AT THE GYM TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE DOING BICEP CURLS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR - Seriously? Do you think you look sexy talking on your circa 2001 flip phone? Are you convinced my vagina is going to fall open with lustful pangs because you own, and can operate electronic devices? FYI, you look like a motherfucking douchebag, and no one gives a shit that you have a cell phone. If you want to talk to your goddamn friends, or whatever phone sex service you have a monthly subscription, go outside and use your phone there. It's beyond annoying listening to the garbage spilling out of your mouth. No one gives a shit, you are rude, and have a small penis.

2. MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN WHO IS HOLDING UP THE LINE AT THE MOVIE THEATER - WTF lady? Okay, I'm sorry your husband no longer wants to listen to the verbal drainage dribbling out of your mouth, but neither does the 17-year old cashier at the AMC. If you don't know what movie you want to see, GET OUT OF LINE UNTIL YOU FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT! Seriously, it is NOT okay to stand at the ticket booth for TEN MINUTES, asking questions about ALL the movies playing that day. This is what moviefone.com and google are for. Please get out of the line, and figure out what movie you want to see BEFORE you get to the theater.

3. ATTENTION ALL DUDES WEARING shit like this, or even worse, THIS! These are NOT, I repeat, NOT okay fashion choices. Here is a shopping tip for all you studs struggling to find balance in the fashion continuum - If it sparkles, has glitter, extensive cursive squiggles, and/or metallic lettering, LEAVE IT AT THE STORE! Shit like that only occasionally looks good on super buff black dudes. Since it is highly unlikely that you are a super buff black dude reading this right now, we're just going to go ahead and say that the shirts mentioned above, are NEVER okay. The "LA trash douchebag" style, isn't a trend, it's a disease... save yourself before it's too late. REMEMBER, after you purchase your first Ed Hardy muscle tee, it's just a sleigh ride down into the complicated world of hair-straighteners and eye-liner... do you really want to be that guy?

4. GIRLS STOP BEING SUCH BITCHES! - Okay, I know that it gets really annoying when you're trying to run errands, and random construction workers are yelling sexually explicit puns about "nailing you hard," but come on, lose the sour puss face. How about, instead of looking like you just drank rancid milk and pooped yourself at the same time, you yell something equally sexually explicit, AND insane back? Like, "Oh ya, you know how I like it! Hard AND rusty!" Or, "That's right you big stud horse! I want you to nail me to the bulldozer, and fuck me like the reincarnation of Jesus!" ... I have yet to try the last one, but I feel that it most definitely falls under the "insane" category, therefore meeting half of the aforementioned qualifications.

5. 43 YEAR OLD CONSTRUCTION DUDE YELLING SEXUAL INNUENDOS AT YOUNG GIRLS - Seriously? Has this method of getting vagina EVER worked for you? Do you really think the 17 year old high-school seniors you're propositioning for "sexy-times," are actually turned on by your meth face, and orange safety vest? I think it's pretty obvious you've made some poor "life-choices," but come on dude, leave the underage poon alone. Go find someone your own age to bone at a sex addicts anonymous meeting. You can both compare 'juvie' stories, and why it was "all dads fault," while smoking copious amounts of amphetamines.... just please don't get anyone preggers. Wrap that shit up bitch.  

6. STOP TRYING TO BE SO GODDAMN COOL - This applies to basically everyone, myself included. Anyone who even remotely breaches on said "cool-factor," is a total dork. I have never met anyone whom I thought was super awesome, who wasn't also a complete and total beavis. The concept of "cool," relies really heavily on the idea that people are by nature, smooth, perfect, calm, non-spastic entities. This is BULLSHIT. People are messy, clumsy, uncoordinated, skin sacks full of organs. It's time we embrace the fact that we're all train-wrecks crashing into to different stations. No one is "better" than anyone else. It doesn't matter what music you like, or art you enjoy, or recreational activities you participate in... you are a dumbass... we are ALL dumbasses. No matter how "cool" you think something you do, or have, or know, is, there will ALWAYS be someone, somewhere, making fun of you/it/them. Let's just get over ourselves and enjoy the fact that everybody is an awkward superdork in their own way...

While we're at it, lets also try and figure out a way to make "Slip'n-Slide" an actual sport, AND get it in the Olympics.

love you meant it.