Limerence.

In a half-cocked effort to better understand the unexplainable nature of inter-personal chemistry, I've attempted to research the subject a bit. This past week, I read a few clinical studies, dabbled with some statistical generalizations, and hastily absorbed myself in the angsty-lovesick-blogs of complete strangers. After pontificating on these abstract pieces of an unfathomably large puzzle, i've come to the conclusion that, PHD or not, nobody knows shit. 

Backed into a wall of theoretical happenstance, the definition of 'limerence' momentarily appeased my fervent desire to explain the indescribable feelings associated with chemistry, and the great lengths one's mind will venture to achieve kinetic solidarity. The peculiar effects of limerence sent me spinning a bit, but it was a good spin. The kind spin that flips your stomach, and makes you laugh uncontrollably, stumbling around in a dizzy haze. 

Limerence refers to, “an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person... physiologically, limerence can cause: heart palpitations, pupil dilation, and general muscle weakness. Awkwardness, stuttering, and dizziness are also common effects... In the early 1960's, before limerence was better understood, it was common that patients were diagnosed with a, 'slight, temporary mental illness.'”

When I read this, my first thought was, 'so this means you find someone you have no explanation as to why you're infatuated with, and the chemistry between you two is so strong, it actually causes “slight insanity?" 

Fuck that shit.  

I have a hard enough time NOT completely failing at life, without the confines of a mental illness. 

But I digress... 

The thing about limerence that's so frustrating, isn't necessarily the feeling itself, but the uncontrollable nature of it. There is no logic to back up the utter helplessness 'limerent pangs,' ultimately lead to. Even after you rationalize the 'cold-hard-facts' of the situation, the ache in your belly doesn't go away. Your brain tries to reason with the rest of you, but your heart; your stupid, irrationally stubborn heart won't hear any of it.

But, there is something to be said about that aching pang you feel inside your chest when you love somebody, or miss somebody that's moved away. The fluttering palpitations under your sternum as you remember the feeling of their lips. Chemical reactions working overtime, while the fading memory of their skin, moving against yours, reminds you of the insane power your nervous system holds.

And like most things that churn around inside us, and turn our vital organs into nothing more than a bundle of knots, time tends to lessen the impact, lessen the ache. The knots eventually loosen, and the fluttering heart strings once again ground themselves behind the protective curtain of our thoracic cavity, and intercostal wall. The limerence you once felt, feels more like a dream than anything that was ever real. The overdrive of synapses firing off in the frontal lobe subsides, and it all seems so completely silly in this rational place of general normalcy. Everything goes back to the way it was, back to the logical junctions in which each day tries to hold its footing.

But unbeknownst to you, there will be moments when, all of a sudden, on some idle Monday night, you'll get a phone call...

And the vibration of their voice in your ear, the syncopated breath sounds, fill your head with a choreographed dance of distant memories you didn't think were going to mean this much. And the limerence, which you've spent weeks building over and burying deeper, will shoot up from the center of your belly, and destroy everything in its path, “Final Destination” style. But you won't be mad. You'll let the syllables falling past their lips, wash over you; like a wave you turned your back on, like a misstep at the edge of a pool. 

Because at the end of the day, after you've abandoned all failed expectations, and started building up promises for tomorrow, a little lovesickness feels kind of good. Not because it's particularly comforting, but because it reminds us all, that someone out there has affected the bloody mess of valves and chambers known as our heart. This heavily guarded fortress has been compromised, and albeit frustrating, there is something irrationally euphoric about the intrusion. Not knowing whether this uninvited guest is going to rip apart the sinew, or walk lightly through the thorax until they finally lean back and rest comfortably against the lining of the left ventricle. 

But truth be told, when it comes down to it... you didn't have to answer the phone.

But you did.

Because you wanted to.

Because you just had to.

Because the limerence told you to.

love you mean it.